Like Wildfire

Another Sunken Gardens shot here.

So they've finally caught on to the baby bit at work. The Friday before last Nosy Coworker #1 finally asked. Then yesterday, Nosy Coworker #2 asked. This is noteworthy because both are guilty of regularly inquiring whether I was expecting when there was no reason (that I know of) to suspect so, yet for the past 6 months when I actually have been didn't pose the question. #2's asking yesterday was followed shortly by his son learning of the news. And his son? Is currently staying with Viktor Krum and TCO. Yay. Today, two more Poppy inquiries. Eh. Whatever. I'm 26.5 weeks along now, which translates to roughly "six months pregnant." A typical pregnancy is based on a "due date" figured to occur after 40 weeks, or 10 lunar months.

Some stupid news of the day: Harry Potter lost his virginity at 16 to an "older woman," and scientists have linked a gene to males' likelihood to cheat. Meow and growl!

Politico

Generally, I avoid politics since it's so...polarizing. But I think that now that we know both VP picks, the Presidential race has gotten more interesting. I do think it's a shame that there's so little choice in voting...I'm still not sure how I feel about the whole caucus/primary/electoral college process in general.

It does seem that McCain and Obama both made VP choices that emphasized what the other had that he himself was lacking. And I think you gotta give McCain credit for making an unexpected selection (whereas Obama's seemed like the safest move).

While at the YMCA this evening, they had Glenn Beck on the TV screen and I glimpsed this book title: If Democrats Had Any Brains, They'd Be Republicans. Okay, whatever, Ann Coulter's book is probably pretty funny. But I always wonder, why is it then, that with more education, people are more likely to have democratic political views? We've all heard that college campuses tend towards liberalism...do we need affirmative action for conservatives to enter the education field or what? ;) Would the more education thing hold true if professors were more evenly split between conservative and liberal views? Is educating young minds more attractive to the liberal mindset, and if so, why? Cuz dem Republicans are too busy makin' an honest dollar while the Democrat tries to convince him it's really his? 'Cause da Dems are so good at spewing hot air while the Republican finds a way to market the exhilation?

Where Am I?

I have a second-grader...

The procession of time presses onward. I can't believe that my first baby is beginning his third year of formal schooling. But then again, I can't really remember him as a baby either--seems like snapshots out of someone else's life--so I suppose it makes some sense. His hair is starting to get pretty long.

Because she's so freaking cute...

Cheesin' this morning, wearing a dress we received from one of my online buddies!

Either go away or just say hello...

Because OMGoodness this is driving me nuts!

Isn't one Viktor Krum at my workplace enough? TCO, I am so disappointed with your social (sk)ills that seem to be more and more mimicking those of Viktor Krum...it's not a good thing...as you yourself have stated on so many occasions...Viktor is an a$s. And who Else has a lil white Kia? LOL...

Snow cones & Dirt

A good summation of what makes the modern powwow fun for small children: Playing in the dirt and fair-type food. The congregation of children is possibly my favorite part of going to the powwow.













Naked Mira on someone's bike (we had gone to the car to change her dirty dress)

Junior girl jingle dress dancer





The Omaha (Umoⁿhoⁿ, which means "against the current") powwow is a celebration to honor the creator for the harvest (hedewachi).













I loved this little boy's expression
















Me, goofy Torrin, and passed out Mira.

That's just WRONG!

I've been having kind of a crappy week that I won't go into, but this is ridiculous. Warner Brothers has decided to delay the release of the Half Blood Prince until next summer. Production delays? Script or set discrepancies? Key actors getting DUIs? No, none of that. They just wanted to move it to an "open" weekend in the SUMMER. As if HP needs any help attracting viewers! The only good part is that supposedly the 1st half of Deathly Hallows will still come out in November next year.

A Life Full of Color

I am happiest when I can create things.

I've never been a painter, but I adore mixing paint. I love combining this color and that, and maybe that one or that one, and seeing what happens. Sometimes the results are as expected, but other times, the new hue takes you by surprise.

I have an ongoing love affair with the sky. The various shades that mingle and tangle with the clouds can be oh-so-breathtaking.

The textures and colors of scrapbooking paper is what marks the appeal of those stores, even though, aside from a few stolen savory moments, I haven't really scrapped since before Mira was born. The difference between one child and two isn't one...it's about 1,000.

My favorite of all?

I think it's beads. I've accumulated a fair collection of beads, and there is a definite sense of euphoria present as I rifle through the boxes, filled with varied sizes, shapes, textures and shades of beads. The satisfaction that arises as a result of completing a piece is rather indescribable. It's not merely pride for being able to make something; it's easy enough to do. It's the interaction of the colors, the light reflecting on the shiny spheres. Last night for the first time in a a long while I made a necklace, for Mira. She has said more than once now that she would like to have a yellow dress made for her; whether or not she also wears this necklace is secondary. I made it for her, and that adds to its uniqueness.

15

In 1993, Toni Morrison won the Nobel Prize for literature
Bill Clinton was President of the United States
River Phoenix, Frank Zappa, André the Giant, and Dizzy Gillespie died
Czechoslavakia became the two separate nations of Slovakia and Czech Republic
Rodney King testified in federal court
Unforgiven won 4 Academy Awards

and my brother Ian was born.

Ian at 3 months...and 5 years old, kindergartner at Elliott...

And now, sporting a Beatles/Harry Potter Goblet of Fire-esque shag, 15 years old, entering his sophomore year in high school this fall...

Awww...wasn't it just yesterday that I was changing your diapers and riding around with you in the bikeseat of our mother's bike?

Dude, Where's My Post?

I had posted a few days ago about my ExpectNet online baby pool...Somehow it turned into 2 posts, so I deleted one, one was left, and now both are gone...hmm...well, click on the banner below to enter a guess as to when Poppy will arrive, birth weight, gender, etc. Naming rights (or perhaps opinions on the final choices) to winner may be negotiated ;)

Baby is due 05 Dec 2008 based on a 40 week pregnancy calculated as 10 lunar months. Torrin was born at 41w3d, weighing 9lb., 0.8oz and 22 inches long. Mira was born at 38w5d, weighing 7lb, 12.6oz, 20.5 inches long.


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Cleaning Off the Memory Card

Maybe I should do that more than once every nine months. Sure, I take stuff off right away if I remember...but other shots just sit and collect figurative dust. And since I'm usually "in a hurry" for this-or-that reason, I don't want to wade through all of the old stuff, I just want whatever pic was most recently shuttered. Apparently, it takes an accidental wipe of the card (clicked the wrong button) for me to accomplish any more than necessary.

The picture above was taken this March in Iowa City. What toddler doesn't love bubbles...or "do it myself" -ing?

At right, an art piece from the Amsterdam airport. There were 4 (one for each season) about 5 feet in diameter, possibly somewhat larger.

Right, behold wojapi (a traditional Native dish). I love this stuff. Probably because modern preparation tends to use cans of preserves or berries for pie filling, which is sugar-laden. I'd be very interested to try some made with wild berries found in the Plains region, but I for one sure don't gather many berries. Mulberries as a kid, of course, but since then, eh, not so much. This particular incarnation was served at the 4th Annual Buffalo Dinner in November.

And finally, melting ice's leaf cutouts exposing green grass hiding below. This was taken at the same park in Iowa City, two weeks prior to Mira's bubble-blowing.

Ten Years

At the right, you can sort of see our new car, in a picture taken by Torrin on Tuesday morning. It's a Kia. Not my first choice, but after all of the major car issues going around lately a new car with a warranty sounded nice. So, it's not as nice as a Honda or Toyota, which is what I'd prefer, but hey, I'd never had a car built in this century before. And Kias come with a 10 year (or rather, more accurately, a 100,000 mile) warranty.

Why is that so scary?

In 10 years, Torrin will be old enough to drive. He'll be 17. That is positively surreal.

Luckily, I came to this conclusion Wednesday evening, as we drove home from the YMCA (and we did see TCO and Viktor Krum by the way). Torrin? At that moment had a banana peel on his head, so I can breathe soundly for a bit longer--at least as far as his aging is concerned.

It's fun to stay at the...

Okay, so we don't use the YMCA in that sense...but in any case, we went last night and re-started our membership. It was nice to go again. You'd be surprised how 10 - 13 miles of daily bikeriding did NO favors for my body. But I must say, I was impressed with how non-pregnant I looked in my now skin-tight workout clothes. I would've felt reasonably comfortable running into TCO there (which of course is always a distinct possibility). And as far as I know, he doesn't know. He did volunteer with the youth program a bit last week, and another guy who interns with the youth program knows. But I doubt that's something he'd just up and talk about. It's just a matter of time, though. TCO's brother Viktor Krum is technically my supervisor, and I'm due to sign a contract at the end of the month to continue working there. Except that whole baby being born at the end of November or early December detail...which is something he should probably know about.

Bliss

This?
It is. My friend's baby, 7 months old, snoozing in Mira's stroller at Hazel Abel park while Mira splashed her feet in the fountain.

Bliss?
Is a "belly full of embryos," such as that of a fellow October 2005 mommy, hopeful mommy of more.

Bliss?
Runza french fries, not too much salt, with ketchup, and a leisurely walk home afterwards.

Introducing...Poppy!

This is old news to most of you...but, meet Poppy! Pictures from July 10. I was 18w5d.

Work peeps for the most part don't know yet. But they will soon enough. I figure, heck, I'll be 20 weeks on Friday. My clothing options are severely limited. They're gonna find out, one way or the other, sooner than I would prefer. Before November is too soon, as far as I'm concerned.

34 kids, tornado & flood watches, heavy rain = camping trip?

The weekend of June 20-22, Torrin, Mira, and I all got sunburned. Torrin, being the fairest-skinned, was the worst hit. Especially in combination with his 7-year-old lack of know-how in regards to sun safety. He swears he put sunblock on that day, but his cherry-lipstick-red shoulders begged to differ. I wasn't with him; he'd gone with a group fishing that morning, which I didn't think would be a terribly fun activity for Mira. I didn't see him again until it was dark.

The first night, Thursday the 19th, we drove out to the campgrounds as planned. Then, a storm rolled up with ominous green-tinted clouds that soon spewed their soggy glory. We took the three vans full of kids back to my workplace for an impromptu sleepover at the Center.

Although the campsites were muddy, the rest of the trip fared much better. Unfortunately the set-up wasn't as well-accustomed to the kind of luminous photos that last year's camping trip yielded, but the park offered more activities and the food was better. There was a better mix of kids in attendance (i.e., not predominantly one family represented). Torrin opted not to go horseback riding, and since Mira is too little, I didn't get pictures of that particular foray. On the last day, upon our departure, I had a scare that I'd lost my camera. My loyal camera which has traveled with me to Spain, Washington DC, Phoenix, Minneapolis, and Wisconsin, not to mention tons of local stuff and my kiddos. Fortunately I found it under some damp towels smushed in the van when we got back into town, in the same condition I'd last seen it.

Some prettiness

Far from pettiness, but only one letter off...

At a public garden a few blocks from our house.

Bike Trail Critters

Do you know what kind of creature this is?

I don't. But he sure looked terrified running along the unfinished portion of the bike trail that runs part-way between where I work and where I live. The size of a smushed cat or thereabouts.

We've had lots of rain lately, so I'm guessing that's what's confusing these poor lil guys. The bike path runs adjacent to a typically barely-flowing creek. A few days later Torrin and I spied a couple of turtles a bit further north on the same trail. He was highly entertained and wanted to email a picture to his science teacher. I'm sure she'll be impressed (when I finally get around to it).

This is what happens when you take your kids to the store at 9pm.

Yeah. They sleep in the cart. But when you don't have a working vehicle, it's a treat to be able to charter a motorized trip to the grocery store without worrying about the eggs breaking on the walk or bikeride home.

Lost, Found, and Stolen

Torrin and Mira yesterday at Oak Lake

Lost

-the keys to the Festiva. Hmmm... We'll work on that one.

Found
-TCO's satchel of tobacco. He's not a smoker but for traditional and ceremonial purposes. Is the stuff still any good six months later? I'm debating sending it to him. I found it while cleaning around my bed. After 5 years on a futon with two eggshell things to make it permissible for sleeping, I've upgraded to a real bed. Somehow a full size mattress seems a lot smaller higher off of the ground.

Stolen
-3 packs of Bonbel cheeses. On Friday we walked to our neighborhood ghetto-grocery store, with the stroller, to get groceries. After we'd gotten home and I'd put away what I thought was all of the groceries, I went to collapse the stroller down to put it away I found the cheese stuck inside the pull-out canopy thing. Um. Hmmm. I wasn't about to walk back then, hungry, after a mile walk, grocery trip, day at work and 12 miles of bikeriding. I considered calling the store but chickened out. Well, we'll be back there again soon enough.

Piecing together

My little Torrin! Off away from me in another state again. He's becoming quite a well-seasoned independent dude (but still a crybaby, whiner, and a very poor loser, albeit a good big brother). This time he's up in Minnesota with my uncle. They're going to go camping, although I think they're actually doing that somewhere in Iowa.

Speaking of "little" Torrin, Friday was his last day of school. He was sent home with a massive stack of papers, including this charming little narrative: "Today I was so mad because I forgot my belt. Cuz when I sit down I haft to pull up my pants! En when I run i pull up my pants. And when theyre pulled up they fall down" Poor kid! It's not dated but I would guess it to have been written in April or May.

We had a few good storms plow through the area lately. No tornadoes here, but nearby. We did get 70mph wind, which is almost as good as a tornado. In my neighborhood there were several uprooted mature trees which fell, onto houses and blocking streets. This picture is me yesterday at a park with one of those felled beauties.

We're going on three weeks now of No-Car-Ness. I think May 16 was the last day I drove it. I am fairly certain I still could drive it, but less certain whether I'd actually get anywhere. I'd rather ride 12 miles a day on bikes than get stranded somewhere with two kids when I'm supposed to be at work or whatever. At least if my bike were to blow a tire or something I could just walk to whereever I was going next and not have to worry about getting a tow or any nonsense like that.

In case you're wondering what's wrong with it, it's the engine. Or if you happen to know of a good used motor for a 4 cyclinder 2.2 liter Honda Civic let me know. It costs in the neighborhood of $2000 to fix at a mechanic's shop. I just can't believe a Honda engine crapped out at only 176,600 miles. My Accord was laid to raid at 188K only because someone else crashed into it and it was considered a total loss by their insurance. The thing was still running fine. My grandma's Accord, also in good running condition, was sold at about 190K. I've personally seen healthy Hondas with odometer readings over 200,000 miles and the Festiva out back is plugging away at 225K. In any case, the last time I drove it, it was dying any time I let it idle for more than a hot second. The alternator and whatnot are fine. The check engine light had been on, it's been going through more oil than usual for awhile now and I had taken it in for an engine diagnostic (they said two of the cylinders were pretty much done for).

And last of not least, a word about my slightly insane daughter. She decided to put herself to bed on the kitchen floor tonight. For her comfort, she brought a couch pillow, a blankie, and her dolly. I'm leaving her there. Heck, it's close to the bathroom, and if she wakes up in the middle of the night she always comes to me anyway.

Tagged? Who, me?

So here's the rules as to what I had to do and if you are one of my lucky 7 below then you need to also do the following:
1. Link your tagger and list these rules on your blog.
2. Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird.
3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.
4. Let them know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

Okay, here goes...Thanks, Angela...and I can't think of anyone to tag either, I think they've all been tagged. Julie? Heather?
Seven facts about me:
1) I have an eye phobia. Don't talk about touching, licking, or otherwise possibly harming eyeballs. Not even putting in contacts. Ew.
2) I am afraid of nail clippers. I will not use them on myself or my children (we use nail scissors and files if you're curious).
3) My ankles look permanently bruised just in front of the ankle joint. It's because they bend more than normal and the skin is rougher where it bends, similar to your knee or elbow.
4) I let my daughter eat a french fry off of the floor today because I didn't feel like listening to her scream about it if I didn't.
5) I get to work when I get there and I leave when I can.
6) My children are 4.5 yrs apart in age and of opposite gender, but they sleep and bathe together. I have no problem with this as long as they don't. Simplifies things for me.
7) I have missed the application deadline for the graduate program I want to do three years in a row. I do taxes during tax season. Bite me. I'll do it by the time I turn thirty.

Tids and Bits

Yeah, so, long time, no update. In the interim I've been to Arizona and back, but so quickly, I'm not quite sure that it really happened. It was "hot," as in, it was 80 in Nebraska when I left and 95 there when I arrived but the difference in humidity made it so that it felt about the same. Anyway, I like it warm, so I was just peachy with that. I attended the Women Are Sacred conference, which is about domestic violence and Native American women.

Oddly enough, I actually tend to sleep at night these days, so that's translated into no blog updates. I'm alive and well, though, as are the kiddos.

I had not realized how many different kinds of cactus there are. I mean, everyone pictures those big saguaros. Those are the ones you always see in desert pics, next to Roadrunner and a dustcloud. But these things were all over the place, all different shapes and sizes.
Maybe that really just means I need to get out more often, lol.

Purdy flowers. The flower obsession continues. There's also a million kinds of palm tree.
Prettiness.
Mountains! We don't have any of those in Nebraska.

Again, maybe this just means I need to get out more often...

Takin' On The Jellies...you got some serious thrill issues, dude...

On Saturday while Mira was away with her PITA father, we went shopping. Torrin is in the market for a new bike and has a birthday coming at the end of the month. We've checked out bikes at a couple stores so far, no determinations have been made. But while we were at Target, I spied these:Pink jellie shoes. How could I resist? I hadn't really seen any since my own 7-or-so-year-old-jellie-wearing days. I know they've been around, but hadn't paid them any mind. My mother was less impressed, but hey, they were cheap and they sparkle in the light.

Mira LOVED them. The first night, she even slept with them on. And wore them to school the next three days in a row despite their being banned from the playground at daycare. I tried to put her in other, more regular shoes, but Miss Mira protested, jumping up and down, throwing off the rejected regular shoes dramatically, and running, wailing, to retrieve the jellies.

Thankfully, they let her play on the playground anyway.

Today? She wore her pink flower boots. Thank goodness.

What happened to my brain?

I got all excited last week, thinking that I wouldn't see TCO at the YMCA anymore. Monday, finding the Y TCO-less, I got a bit excited, thinking that maybe he rearranged his schedule or something. About 20 minutes into my elliptical session reality first went driving by in Viktor Krum's car, then walking by my window, then onto a treadmill in front of me. Yeah so my routine lately? Is 25 minutes on the elliptical followed by 10 on the treadmill. Of course, when I was done on the elliptical machine, there were three treadmills open. Three out of oh, twelve or so? All three open machines adjacent to TCO. My bravery faltered, and I went upstairs to do my weight circuit before looking again for available treadmills.

Maybe my relationship with TCO was doomed by my refusal to accept it is a real possibility. I kept waiting for something to go wrong instead of trying to make things right.

I'm beginning to wonder also what I'm doing with a boyfriend. I am way too busy for a boyfriend. I don't have time for myself, let alone all of this that I've gotten myself into. Sometimes my perpetual hopefulness really gets the best of me. I've always wanted a nice L-H I. M., yet this year I've lost one and blew my chance off with another. What do I get instead? A very, very, very sweet PGG. Sounds simple enough, no big deal, if it doesn't work out, better luck next time, right? No. I already have two children originating from two separate dads. If I were to have a third child, it'd be with a third different person? How rotten is that? There's no going back from that. So where it should seem simple, it's not at all. It's like...if this doesn't work out, I just give up. I'm done. No more.

May this relationship not be doomed as well, by my fear of everything being over.

Portrait by PGG

13 April 2008

Passing the Torch

Or, good news for Flamenco Dancer.
PGG saw TCO on Tuesday afternoon, riding his bike down 11th Street. PGG reports that they made eye contact and TCO gave him a smile-nod acknowledgment.

About a month ago, seemingly out of nowhere, TCO had dropped off my friend Flamenco's car at my house. I didn't know it had been done until late that night (whatever night it was). My friend Flamenco, the one in Spain, has had this little Ford Festiva that she tools around in when she's back in the States. And during the academic school year, while she's been in Spain, has lent it to friends who needed a vehicle. Last summer when she left, she had gotten to know TCO and since he didn't have a car she offered it to him. Signed the title over and whatnot. Well, anyhow, it was brought back to my house just before I left for Spain myself. PGG tried to start it after I'd returned with no luck. The jumper cables left in the car were damaged somehow. I've been so ungodly busy with everything else that I haven't really worried about it. I don't own jumper cables of my own.

So, Tuesday evening, PGG's mother and brothers came to Lincoln. While waiting for me to get my act together and get my kids fed so that we could all go bowling, they got the Festiva going. And go it did--the four of them took it for a ride. Where they went I do not know, but it was driven out to Champions Fun Center, where we went bowling, a good enough drive away, also. It did start all by itself to go to and return from Champions.

Now, to address the painfully balding back tires and titling/insurance/plates issue...they expire this month. TCO doesn't want me to speak to him, apparently, so I hope I do not need him to sign any additional paperwork. But it is only fitting that TCO was the last person to drive the Festiva, saw PGG Tuesday afternoon, and then PGG to be the next person to make it go later the same day.

more cryptic quotes

Today PGG and I went out for lunch. I've had a super busy week at work and the break was much welcomed. After a lovely meal of samosa, mulligatawny soup, and lamb biryani at The Oven we went to Ivanna Cone, where one of the day's flavors was lemon poppyseed.

How could we possibly resist?

mucho frio

mucho frio uno:
We haven't had hot water since Thursday. I called for someone to come check it out on Friday--nothing. Called again Saturday, a bit more pissed off, and was rewarded 12 hours later by being informed that our downstairs neighbors haven't ever paid their gas bill, were shut off, and oops, your hot water heater is the same as theirs.

Two years, nearly, we've been living here, and we never knew. We have our own natural gas bill for heat. I wondered why it didn't go up when my dad was staying here, with his added showers and laundering, but didn't question it too much.

I want my hot water back!!! They said maybe today...well...I finally conceded defeat and washed a load of "warm" laundry. The water was definitely not warm. Sigh! Tomorrow please! Charge me $100 of the neighbor's bill if it'll expedite the process!

mucho frio dos:
I received a text message from TCO Saturday night. I had initiated the conversation, because I was bored in a bar. He asked, "why [I] may have been seen parked outside my house or am i mistaken?" Greeeeat. "Been seen" would seemingly imply that he personally did not witness the accused infraction. So who thinks I've been staking out his house? Viktor Krum, his bro/roomie, AKA, one of my supervisors at work? Simply superb! I wrote back something to the effect of "F*(k no!" and asked if that was why he acts weird when I chance upon him. "That may be part of it" was the less-than-succinct reply.

So...fast forward to today. I was unsatisfied with how things left off. I will admit to having driven by their house a few too many times in the beginning...their house is on a main street, not out of the way from many places. But there's a difference, I think, between driving by a house on an artierial road in my own neighborhood and parking by it on spy watch. Come on. I don't want him thinking I'm pulling that kinda crap. So, I attempted to extend an olive branch, if you will, via Facebook messaging:

Me
Today at 12:08pm
I think it's retarded if we can't even be civil and say hello to each other. I'm not watching your house or anything weird like that. I do "miss" you, but I'm not trying to get you back or whatever. I am very happy where I am, and would just like to be able to talk to you sometimes. That is all. Nothing more.

TCO
Today at 2:20pm
I just don't understand why if you're so happy then why would you want to talk to me?

Me
Today at 3:06pm
i don't have anything in particular i want to talk to you about. i just mean in general. you know, "hello, how are you." nothing deep. it seems childish to never speak to someone again. i don't need you for anything, but you were important to me for awhile there, and it's nice to keep in touch.

TCO
Today at 5:51pm
I'm trying to do this in a nice way so you don't get upset but it seems you haven't been respectful to me. I just would like to be left alone. I would like it if you could respect me enough to do that. I'm tired of this so this is that last time I'm going to tell you.

Thus, I conclude, that is that. I'm curious as to what he thinks I've been disrespectful. I'd like to ask, but clearly, he is not interested in continuing conversation. Congratulations, Voldemort, you were right, he didn't really care that much. But dammit, he got me unhooked from you, and for that I am eternally grateful. PGG has sealed that fate. I am now completely done with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. I'm guessing that the disrespect loops back to a perceived Sirius Black link while we were still together. That's exactly what was so crazy about the stuff Sirius Black said then--it was based solely in the land of text messaging. We hadn't seen each other. Nada. I'd had no idea that that old acquaintance/friendship would turn that direction. Voldemort, too, recently brought Sirius up, spouting off at me that just a couple months ago I was "fooling around with one guy while dating another," based on his assumption of my life gathered from this blog. That's not true, not at all. I loved The Boy Who Lived, and wouldn't do that to him. I didn't want to hurt him. He's a beautiful person, with a wonderful family and great potential for a vibrant future, and it seems a shame to lose everything, even superficial contact. I didn't mean to do it, but I did, I loved him, and I do. It doesn't just go away. But it just got squelched a bit more this evening.

Just a lil FYI

The PGG poppyseed is not up for discussion here, at this point. That will come at a later date.

It WAS the last straw.

Voldemort was supposed to take Mira overnight Saturday. He declined, asked for her in the morning Sunday instead. Probably to prevent me from having "fun." Whatever. So, I open the door, hand Mira immediately to him, and he proceeds to let himself inside. He doesn't come inside except to start trouble. "We need to talk," he says. He wanted to know why I'd left Mira (together with Torrin) with "a piece of trash" like Torrin's dad. "Do you have any extra money for me?" he asked. "Because you sure seem to have a lot of money." He walked further into my house with a scrutinizing eye. I said as little as possible, asked him if he was taking Mira and if so, to please leave. Or, rather, "Get out of my house!" when he had me backed into a corner of the living room. He wasn't leaving. I grabbed my phone, was dialing the police department (what else was I supposed to do?). He grabbed it, threatened to break it. He didn't, but the screen is cracked. He slapped me, just a light, quick thing, honestly, I smack Mira's hand away from stuff harder than that...but...no... I called my grandma, crying, when PGG didn't answer his phone.

I was ready file for a protection order, increase child support, and a formal custody order. I was set to go, Monday, 8am.

Well, it's Wednesday, and I haven't done a damn thing. Why is that?

This is a series of texts received from He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named on Sunday afternoon, following his visit with Mira.

3:02pm
I know i need to let you live without saying you do bad things. But you know me and how much i care about doing things"best" and "right."

3:04pm
But its like a sickness. Nothing is good enough.Im never happy. With you. With me. With anything.

3:15pm
:( if i could control it, we would all be happier. but i cant. There is no hope.

3:18pm
Im so jealous of you because you are so happy and are really living your life.

3:39pm
Do whatever you want. You always do. I dont have any hope Or answers. Ill let you lead. I hate to admit it but i love and trust and envy you. YOU know best.

These were followed by a telephone call in which Mason talked about how he wished he could just commit suicide, that he doesn't think there is any hope for him, that he is not able to be happy, etc. This is nothing new, but I still don't know what to do with him. I told him that I can't help him. Because I can't. I hate to admit it too, but I still love him too. It's different, now, though. I have no hope for us, I've let go of that. I don't think there is any single person who knows the entire, full story of us. But there are many who know an awful lot. I can't entirely explain why I haven't done anything concrete about him, but I'm ready. Now I just need that kick to get me into action.

The Secret's Out

Well, since Voldemort found out, it's time to let the cat entirely out of the bag. I just got back from Spain.

I had disastrous luck with flights on the way there. It started at the Akron/Canton airport in Ohio, where PGG and I were set to fly to Detroit at 11:40am. He would fly from Detroit to Lincoln and I to Amsterdam, to Madrid. I would arrive in Madrid at about 12:25 the next afternoon, Thursday, following an 8-hour wait in Detroit and 8-hour trans-Atlantic flight. PGG and I would sit together in the exit row for the short shared part of the journey. We checked in, got to our gate, waited a bit, and then...flight cancelled. Mechanical issues. Okay...

We were sent by shuttle to Cleveland (50 miles in a van with other disappointed people). Still happy, the 8-hour layover meant little changed for me except that I wouldn't get to fly with PGG anymore. He flew from Cleveland to Minneapolis, Minneapolis to Lincoln, without any additional problems. I waited eagerly for my 5:05pm flight. Boarded, and sat on the plane. And sat. And sat some more. The gray skies had grown burlier over the course of the afternoon, finally erupting into some snow or freezing rain. Something requiring the plane to be de-iced. A comical procedure where the plane sits and a crane thing sprays a giant stream, like that from a hose fighting a fire. First an orange-tinted stream, followed by green. Or possibly the other way around. After that was completed, we sat some more. By this time an hour had gone by. At last, the pilot spoke. "Errrr...we're going to have to de-plane, folks." Some bit about it being illegal to fly with the sort of problem the plane had in these conditions, something that would be okay if the weather were perfect. Great. Another flight canceled due to mechanical problems.

This time I was more anxious. I had less time to work with to get to Madrid at the same time. I got on the phone with an agent (as opposed to waiting in the hideously-long line of my former flight-mates). First, the woman directed me to a 7:35 flight to connect at Dulles...then realized that I'd have to get a ticket printed at a ticketing counter prior to boarding and oh, it was already 7pm. Okay, no problem, she found me an 8:45 on a different carrier. I'd connect in Washington, DC, and fly through Paris to Madrid on AirFrance. I was immediately placated, plus, I'd actually get to Spain 5 minutes earlier than planned.

That, is, except for the fact that this plane, too, was not without issue. We left nearly two hours late. I asked the attendant at the gate what I should do, and he was unsure but insisted that I'd be better off stuck in DC than in Cleveland. Fair enough.

By the time we got into the Dulles airport, all of the agents were gone. For all of the airlines. No hotel voucher for me. Worse, there were no more flights to anywhere connecting to Madrid until 5pm the next evening. I texted a friend who lives in the DC metropolitan area...no reply, at least, not until 2pm or so the next day. We had lunch. I had a nice interlude there, on the whole, although it certainly wasn't Spain.

I flew through Amsterdam as originally planned and arrived a full day and a half later because my oblivious self went to the wrong gate at the (humongous) Amsterdam airport.

THEN, when I talked to Ginny Weasely upon finally arriving in Madrid, she informed that she'd been pickpocketed on the Metro on her way to meet me at the airport earlier. 250 Euros...gone. She's been living in Spain for awhile now, this is her second year there, plus she's traveled around Europe a fair amount...and never gotten pickpocketed up until then. So we were being all extra cautious once she got to the airport and we were on the Metro together.

And then? I got pickpocketed too. 440 Euros and a considerable amount of Euros in change, about 50 American dollars, a Mastercard, Discovercard, and Visa debit card, and my driver's license.

Ouch.

Luckily the rest of the trip went well--and I am very lucky that Ginny is such a great friend to have covered the expenses.

Tidbits

The only good thing about Iowa: They have free wireless Internet at the rest stops. Both of the airports I've been in today do not. We shall see about the third later. And a fourth tomorrow.

On Friday, I gave TCO the rest of his stuff back. An Astronomy textbook, some socks and other assorted clothing, The Princess Bride DVD, tupperware, and other odds 'n ends including the pillow I wouldn't let him take in January. I smiled at him widely, a nervous reaction, and he just said, "all right." So anti-climatic. Such a beauty, that one.

On the upside, things with PGG are progressing swimmingly. This one, the sweetest one, this one who can tolerate Mira's screams...

¿Donde esta el baño?

How did it get to be mid-March already???

I'm guessing the 90 or so tax returns I've filed this season have something to do with it (in addition to my normal job duties, mind you). But man oh man...where has the time gone? So much to do...so little time...and I doubt I can learn Spanish in six days! Only six days left! Just four until we leave Nebraska! I think Torrin's nearly as excited as I am...

Love

Mira screamed for about two hours solid the night before last. PGG was here. "Does the screaming bother you?" I asked him, as he lay on my couch, seemingly unaware of her pitiful high-pitched wailing. "No," he answered, easily. I probed further..."you still want babies?" somewhat incredulously. "Yes."

Oh my...

South Dakota Synopsis

Mira calls the casino "silly games." "I wan' go play silly games, 'genn, mama!" We stayed at the Prairie Winds casino's new hotel Friday night (23 February).

Saturday we drove north and west a bit, on the twisty highways that travel by Crazy Horse and Mount Rushmore. The contrast between the cut-out, curving hills and rolling rocky formations compared to the flat nowhere land of Nebraska that we call home was stark. Torrin was struck by the comparative beauty of the landscape--at one time Sunday afternoon as we traveled through the area again, this time on our way home from Rapid City, he marveled that "I think I want to marry it!"

We spent some time in Pine Ridge, aside from the casino stay, as well as a jaunt seven miles north-ish to the site of Wounded Knee. Torrin was amazed by the dogs running wild. Trash proliferates, littering the streets and subconsciousness. It's like visiting a third-world country that just happens to be plucked in the middle of the United States. Graffiti disfigures traffic signs so that one cannot read the speed limit. Burnt down bungalows are left to rot, and frames of once-were mobile homes sit abandoned, their contents subject to the elements. Lawns are composed primarily of muck, trampolines are scattered like rodents, children cry in the streets, and there's high speed internet access in the basement. The cleanest building on the main drag was the Alltel store.

Go figure.

The Saga Continues

Just in case anyone is interested, I'm not speaking to either The Chosen One or Sirius Black anymore. The Boy Who Lived is done with me. I've crossed paths with him three times at the YMCA since the break-up. Funny, because during the 6-ish months we were together, I never saw him there, not a once. I've been going on Monday and Wednesday evenings regularly for months now. Then following our unhinging I saw him twice within one week. Per my recollection to comrades, he "acted like he didn't know me," but that's really not quite the case. The longer version is that his eyes crossed mine briefly and his expression shifted in such a way that his eyebrows raise, eyes go a bit wild, and a goofy somewhat miffed smile appeared. This is not necessarily indicative of happiness inasmuch as a gallant grin is his default reaction to stimuli. That boy smiled so much, it makes my cheeks hurt just thinking about it. That is what I miss most--his smile.

A trip to South Dakota the weekend before last sealed the fate of Sirius Black. Or, in other words, I broke his heart.