Torrin Swims. (Mon 30 Jul 2007)

It's awfully cute. He can dive, too. I think he's had a pretty good summer. He's been going to Spanish Language Immersion day camp. It's less Spanish lessons than it is recreation, but that's okay too. It is summer after all, and one of the best things about being a kid is having summers off. I'm not the sort of mom to make Torrin sit around and do workbooks. All that stuff seems pretty artificial to me. What's more important is that he has plenty of opportunities for natural learning, which are so easy to find. Simple things, like reading a book to his sister or counting money...hello, language arts and mathematics. Learning by rote memorization isn't of much benefit to most of us anyway...those with so-called 'photographic memories' aside. And so far, it's working...


Multitalented (Sat 28 Jul 2007)

I locked my keys in my car just off I-80 at the Aurora exit.

And my phone.
And my Mira.
And my wallet, money, etc.

Of course, I didn't mean to...I was just putting something into the trunk while Torrin and my father used the restrooms in the gas station.

Called the Sheriff...they were busy with a 9-11 call.
Called a locksmith. He was out of town.
Called Sprint, because I have Roadside Rescue Assistance on my plan. Waited on hold for 10 minutes.
Finally, someone helped us out and we got into the car. Mira never woke, thankfully.

Saturday July 28, 2007 - 01:59pm (PST)

Next time just wake Mira up and have her get the keys.--Joshua
Saturday July 28, 2007 - 08:47pm (PST)

I wish! She doesn't know how to unlock the doors yet. Nice to see you post, haven't heard from you in forever. --Jacinda
Monday July 30, 2007 - 11:12am (PST)



I'm always afraid to write about Mason because, although he does not, he could so very easily stumble upon this little place where I vent about him so often.

And now I'm paranoid about writing about a certain someone else, but for an entirely different yet strangely similar reason. That person...I like.

Friday July 27, 2007 - 12:25pm (PST)

Ooh! ooh! Maybe you could use a CODE name for the someone else. That way, i can still live vicariously through your tale of almost romance.--Amber
Monday August 6, 2007 - 12:49pm (PST)

I've been referring to him mostly as 'Certain Someone' or sometimes 'Certain Special Someone.' And I think it's safe to drop the "almost" from the phrase "almost-romance" at this point too. :D
Monday August 20, 2007 - 07:48am (PST)


Goin' 2 Da Rez (Sat 21 Jul 2007)

We're getting ready to go to Macy this morning, for the funeral of a woman who's like my grandma, actually my biological grandmother's sister.

I got a call yesterday while I was in Anatomy lab from a woman I have never met and only talked to once when I was probably 11 years old. She's my mother's eldest biological sister. My parents are both adopted, but my mom knows who her birth mother is (was). So there's all this family that I don't know. And hopefully someday we'll find out where my father comes from too.


On a positive note...

I do like someone. It's wonderful, this feeling that the air is electric.


This is why...

So last night Mason was over at my house to play with Mira. As usual, his eyes looked all red. And along with a buncha other junk, he proceeded to tell me that he had a dream about me the night before. In his dream, I had a boyfriend, and Mason was reacting in anger and violence.So encouraging!

Tipi Time!

We're going camping this week at Pawnee Lake with the Indian Center program. You know, since that's where I work and everything. :) On Tuesday afternoon, we went out to set up two tipis...I won't be staying in one, though. They are for the youth. One for girls, one for boys.And if I haven't mentioned, I am SUPER busy now. With work, a 5-week Anatomy course, Torrin, Mira, my kitties, and general familial conerns, YIKES! (as I sit here, posting from work...just checked my bank account, too...whoops).
Friday July 13, 2007 - 09:37am (PST)

These are the times you wish for boredom! But you are a good multi-taker, and at least it means there is never a dull moment ;)Amber--Amber
Saturday July 14, 2007 - 11:40pm (PST)


Mason Is Not My Boyfriend

In case there is any confusion...Or maybe I'm just clarifying it for myself, who knows.But it does seem like people think that there is more to the relationship between Mason and I than there really is.Yes, he went with us to Chicago, but he wasn't there as my boyfriend or partner. He cooperated, as he is Mira's father and all, and he paid for stuff...I paid for the bulk of the lodging cost...we drove his car, he bought the gas. A coordinated effort, yes, but not the effort of a couple.

Actually, we haven't actually beeen boyfriend and girlfriend in something like three years. I've known him for nearly five; the bulk of our time 'in knowing' has been spent fighting, not speaking, or just nothing. Sure, there are times when he acts like he cares, but his swirling shadow of insecurity, jealousy, judgment and assumption always gets in the way. Yeah, we went to Kansas City together in March. That was my doing. I decided, for once, to take charge and make something happen. Over the course of our relationship, it's always been 'something' or anything at all only when Mason feels like it. I am the devil, everything is always my fault. I feel so used. In regards to Mason, I am a total pushover. Whenever he has shown the slightest interest in the past couple years, I drop everything on the chance of a teeny-tiny, faint, glimmer of hope. I feel a sort of a duty towards him, like I owe him. So I decided to take some initiative and make something happen that was my own doing. We did it, it worked; but nothing lasting came forth from the effort.

When Mira was born, Mason wouldn't sign the birth certificate. He didn't believe she was his. She looked a little bit like the last of the Mohicans, yes, but she also looked remarkably like me as a baby. There were no other possibilities as to who her father was. Absolutely zero chance. Not only do I know when and where she was conceived, but there was nothing and noone else. Despite what Mason says about me, and my character...When Mira was very small (and coincidentally enough, prior the the genetic testing results which named Mason as father with a 99.99% probability), Mason exploded at me, demanding to know how many men I'd slept with since Mira's birth. The honest truth was that there was noone but him, miserly, miserable Mason. He was certain that because I had elected to take birth control Depo-Provera shots at my six-week postpartum checkup, that I was sleeping around with whoever, whatever. In actuality that was done purely for his benefit. After everything I went through being pregnant with Mira (and don't get me wrong, the pregnancy itself was highly routine) there was no way I was going to subject myself to all of that mess again. Every time I run my tongue over my teeth, which happens several times a day, I am reminded why. My front tooth was chipped ever so slightly during that particular altercation, when Mason pushed me, holding tiny baby Mira, to the floor in my kitchen, at my house where he stayed for seven months but never claimed to live with me. He always said he was living with his mother (loser) even though he was at my house for two hundred nights in a row without interruption. And that's hardly the worst of it; it's just the only lasting blemish.

So why, WHY do I go on as I do, hoping for this mess of stupidity?

Before our trip to Chicago, there was someone I was sort of talking to. He was nice and made good conversation, but it was nothing more than talking. I don't know what happened; I haven't heard from him in about three weeks, minus a brief mostly-chance encounter which yielded no clues and no progress. Hmm.Well now, I guess, maybe, just maybe, things might be a bit different. I'm still not sure that I'm 'over' Mason. I have this feeling that I never really will be, but I am going absolutely crazy in the meantime. I don't want to hurt anyone. But mostly, I don't want to be hurt anymore, either.

Monday July 16, 2007 - 07:59pm (PST)

Oh honey I wish I could fix the Mason Mess for you. You deserve better for your heart than what you write here. Any chance of the big bad therapy word to try to help break the cycle for you?Wanna come over and eat candy corn with me? I hear it helps! xoxox--M
Thursday July 19, 2007 - 01:35pm (PST)

I would love to come over and eat candy corn with you! But the whole living a thousand miles away thing might get in the way. :)
Friday July 20, 2007 - 11:05am (PST)



Mira said fu¢ker today!

Of course, it's all my fault. We were downtown trying to find a parking space at the YMCA so that Torrin could go to his swimming lessons. And, of course, we had only, like seven minutes to get parked, inside, and down to the swimming pool. An SUV backed out of its spot just ahead of us, when this dopey red Cavalier came scooting across two lanes to pop into the asphalt void. And since I'm such a classy, verbose sort of person, I uttered the first thing that came to mind: FU¢KER! To which Mira immediately parroted, "fu¢ker!"
Torrin thought it was hilarious.
I did, too, as much as I would have liked not to.
So she repeated it again.
More laughter.
Thankfully, that was the end of it, and then she started chattering about something else. We'll see if it sneaks back into conversation anytime soon. I'm hoping not. ;) And, I have chocolate, so everything's okay. Loneliness? Desolation? Frustration? Lack of appreciation? Whatev. The chocolate will always love me.

Tuesday July 10, 2007 - 08:46pm (PST)

Oh! Be still my heart! The girl utilizing my fave profanity already? *swoons* BEAUTIFUL! (And horrifying. I will absolutely DIE when Liam someday mimics the word. I use it far far too much.)--M
Friday July 13, 2007 - 11:43am (PST)

Yesterday, Gage was over to play. He brought his toy chicken and called it his "big fat cock." I thought I was going to die with laughter.--amber
Saturday July 14, 2007 - 04:36pm (PST)

Kids are funny like that.-amber
Saturday July 14, 2007 - 09:07pm (PST)

OK....that was probably not the most appropriate way to share that story....but I can't go back and delete/edit my comments. Sorry!--Amber
Saturday July 14, 2007 - 11:37pm (PST)

It's okay, Amber. I know you and Gage, so I know...I'm sure it was funny. Mira used to pronounce the sock "cock." Now she calls them "cockies." I think it's hilarious.
Wednesday July 18, 2007 - 12:47pm (PST)


I want chocolate, darnit!

Such a sad thing, when a girl wants chocolate and doesn't have any! Even sadder when that girl has no food stamp benefits to go and buy some! *blush* Well, it's Monday morning (albeit very early, 1:15AM) and the work week has commenced. I can't say I'm excited. I've got a fat report to write this morning, in order to finish another fat report, this afternoon. Then I can start transcribing an interview. Barf. Maybe I'll try to wake up early (yeah, right) so that we can bikeride to work, daycare, and day camp and get some sanity-saving interludes of peace. And then maybe I can even stop somewhere and purchase some much-needed chocolate.


Where, oh where, do my weekends go?

Oh where, oh where could they be?
Seriously, what happens to them? Just like anyone else working the typical M-F gig, I look forward to my weekends immensely. A chance to relax, unwind, catch up on sleep, lounge around. Except that I never have the time to do that! Our weekends always get all booked up. Today it was a vet appointment for one of our kitties; a birthday party for one of Torrin's kindergarten classmates; a trip to the post office for a package that would have fit in our mailbox; visiting the great grandfather; and working out at the YMCA; only the last of which could be said to have been done completely for my own well-being at my own choice, free of others' input. This was not our busiest of weekend days, by far, either. Tomorrow we'll head to my grandmother's before we trek over to a friend's house to help with some cleaning. I hope to goodness that we are able to come home after that so that I can work on my own darn house.And what the heck is wrong with my memory card reader? It won't recognize my SD memory card on this computer, either. The camera hasn't seemed to have any problems with it. WTF.

Saturday July 7, 2007 - 11:55pm (PST)

I know what you mean about weekends. They are never long enough! Cute pic of Mira! I know I'm a bad mommy for saying this, but the crying pics are so freakin' cute!
Sunday July 8, 2007 - 08:31pm (PST)

OK, that last comment was from me... I didn't mean to be anonymous!--julie
Sunday July 8, 2007 - 08:31pm (PST)

It's okay, I know I'm difficult by not using blogspot, livejournal, etc., like everyone else. :)
Sunday July 8, 2007 - 08:57pm (PST)


Independence Day...and back to Lincoln

We got back this morning around 5:30AM. It was a looooong drive, a looooong night, and a looooooong day today as well. Every time Torrin asked, "why are you so tired, mom?" it got a little bit longer. Torrin was pretty insistent that he, too, had stayed up almost all night (he was passed out by 10:30PM) and he felt fine, so, why didn't Mom feel great too? And nevermind that we walked for. EVER! yesterday, through 3 museums and up and down Michigan Avenue, without a stroller. Mason wasn't with us, either, so it was just me lugging Mira around. Mason evidently didn't hear me when I instructed him to pack the stroller into his trunk...oh well, the kids were great.
For those of you who don't know, we went to Chicago to meet a bunch of moms from an online bulletin board community that I've been visiting since I was pregnant with Mira. Never would I have guessed, two years ago, that I'd be meeting several of those moms in person. It was great. We rented a house out in the suburbs, five moms, and on Sunday more moms and kids showed up to join the Wild Rumpus. Then on Monday it was off to downtown Chicago and the more traditional sightseeing. We went to the Hancock Observatory, ate Giordano's pizza, and went to H&M that evening, since there is no H&M in Lincoln or Omaha. Tuesday was jam-packed for Torrin, Mira, and I as we trekked to the Shedd Aquarium, Field Museum, and Adler Planetarium. And ohhhhh, there was a Godiva store just across the street from a Hershey store just off of Michigan Avenue across from the Water Tower. Chocoheaven!
I'm eating an Extra Rich Scharffen Berger Milk Chocolate bar as I type. Smooth, chocolatey bliss, it is.Mason tried very hard to behave. And, given the fact that he was the only grown male staying in the house (Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights) he really did do quite well. We had approximately three arguments, but none escalated beyond control. And now that he's had his hair transplant surgery, give him six months and he might have a wee bit more self-confidence, too. I'm not banking on this to be the cure-all that he seems to think it will be, but if it makes him happier, so be it. He went through with it despite having no support. Does that make him determined, or just insane? That's your call. My bet is on the latter.

Thursday July 5, 2007 - 12:14am (PST)

Hair transplant surgery?! Hmm--at what age again? Have to go with the latter, as well! I AM glad that everything went as smooth as is could have from the sounds of it : ) I bet the wee ones had a blast in Chicago!--E.D.
Thursday July 5, 2007 - 04:01pm (PST)

Welcome back, doll.....the trip sounds fantastic! Pizza + Chocolate=HAPPY!Call me to spill all the details.-Amber--Amber
Tuesday July 10, 2007 - 10:27am (PST)

You were in chocolate heaven?! --Tasha
Wednesday July 11, 2007 - 07:19pm (PST)