Mason Is Not My Boyfriend

In case there is any confusion...Or maybe I'm just clarifying it for myself, who knows.But it does seem like people think that there is more to the relationship between Mason and I than there really is.Yes, he went with us to Chicago, but he wasn't there as my boyfriend or partner. He cooperated, as he is Mira's father and all, and he paid for stuff...I paid for the bulk of the lodging cost...we drove his car, he bought the gas. A coordinated effort, yes, but not the effort of a couple.

Actually, we haven't actually beeen boyfriend and girlfriend in something like three years. I've known him for nearly five; the bulk of our time 'in knowing' has been spent fighting, not speaking, or just nothing. Sure, there are times when he acts like he cares, but his swirling shadow of insecurity, jealousy, judgment and assumption always gets in the way. Yeah, we went to Kansas City together in March. That was my doing. I decided, for once, to take charge and make something happen. Over the course of our relationship, it's always been 'something' or anything at all only when Mason feels like it. I am the devil, everything is always my fault. I feel so used. In regards to Mason, I am a total pushover. Whenever he has shown the slightest interest in the past couple years, I drop everything on the chance of a teeny-tiny, faint, glimmer of hope. I feel a sort of a duty towards him, like I owe him. So I decided to take some initiative and make something happen that was my own doing. We did it, it worked; but nothing lasting came forth from the effort.

When Mira was born, Mason wouldn't sign the birth certificate. He didn't believe she was his. She looked a little bit like the last of the Mohicans, yes, but she also looked remarkably like me as a baby. There were no other possibilities as to who her father was. Absolutely zero chance. Not only do I know when and where she was conceived, but there was nothing and noone else. Despite what Mason says about me, and my character...When Mira was very small (and coincidentally enough, prior the the genetic testing results which named Mason as father with a 99.99% probability), Mason exploded at me, demanding to know how many men I'd slept with since Mira's birth. The honest truth was that there was noone but him, miserly, miserable Mason. He was certain that because I had elected to take birth control Depo-Provera shots at my six-week postpartum checkup, that I was sleeping around with whoever, whatever. In actuality that was done purely for his benefit. After everything I went through being pregnant with Mira (and don't get me wrong, the pregnancy itself was highly routine) there was no way I was going to subject myself to all of that mess again. Every time I run my tongue over my teeth, which happens several times a day, I am reminded why. My front tooth was chipped ever so slightly during that particular altercation, when Mason pushed me, holding tiny baby Mira, to the floor in my kitchen, at my house where he stayed for seven months but never claimed to live with me. He always said he was living with his mother (loser) even though he was at my house for two hundred nights in a row without interruption. And that's hardly the worst of it; it's just the only lasting blemish.

So why, WHY do I go on as I do, hoping for this mess of stupidity?

Before our trip to Chicago, there was someone I was sort of talking to. He was nice and made good conversation, but it was nothing more than talking. I don't know what happened; I haven't heard from him in about three weeks, minus a brief mostly-chance encounter which yielded no clues and no progress. Hmm.Well now, I guess, maybe, just maybe, things might be a bit different. I'm still not sure that I'm 'over' Mason. I have this feeling that I never really will be, but I am going absolutely crazy in the meantime. I don't want to hurt anyone. But mostly, I don't want to be hurt anymore, either.

Monday July 16, 2007 - 07:59pm (PST)

Oh honey I wish I could fix the Mason Mess for you. You deserve better for your heart than what you write here. Any chance of the big bad therapy word to try to help break the cycle for you?Wanna come over and eat candy corn with me? I hear it helps! xoxox--M
Thursday July 19, 2007 - 01:35pm (PST)

I would love to come over and eat candy corn with you! But the whole living a thousand miles away thing might get in the way. :)
Friday July 20, 2007 - 11:05am (PST)

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