4 hours and 14 minutes... (Thu 28 Jun 2007)

'til we leave for Chicago. Wish us luck, we may need it!
Thursday June 28, 2007 - 09:46pm (PST)

You will have a fantastic time. Make sure to fill me in on everything when you get back! (how the kids did on the plane, hotel stuff, sightseeing, etc).--Amber
Saturday June 30, 2007 - 08:24pm (PST)

So very very jealous. I hope you did have fun it looked just lovely!--M
Monday July 2, 2007 - 03:03pm (PST)

Me sis 'n me stepmammy (Thu 28 Jun 2007)

http://journalstar.com/articles/2007/06/28/news/local/doc4682f8a7a03b9450346479.txtI am so proud of my little sister but this article just makes me wanna weep. It's about prisoners at the York Women's prison (i.e., my stepmother). When they talk about her (and my dad) starting to use again after the birth of her second child? Yeah, I was there for that. And when the grandma came to take the kids away? I was walking with them to a friend's house.
Thursday June 28, 2007 - 11:39am (PST)

Totally broke my heart.
Monday July 2, 2007 - 12:28am (PST)


Another Roadblock Deterring My Quest Towards Happiness (or something resembling it, anyway) (Mon 25 Jun 07)

Okay, so I told Jerry tonight that I was thinking about moving to St. Louis. He didn't really say much, and asked if he could keep Torrin, but I thought he was joking. He didn't really sound serious. I said something about how it would be just for two years, we'd be back after that, and I'd send Torrin on a plane to see him or whatever. Well, then when he goes to leave, he says, "You won't take him without a fight." WTF? I am the custodial parent...I bear him no ill will...when he goes to his dad's house, he doesn't even play with his dad. He plays video games, watches TV, and plays with whichever children may be running around there. Nothing is set in stone. Well, I guess I won't be asking him to babysit for awhile, anyway. Wouldn't want to set a precedent of seeming like I don't want the kid/s or anything. Crap. I just want a chance at happiness, to find something, someone, or noone at all, and learn to live without the Unhealthy BS that is Mason.


Monday June 25, 2007 - 10:46pm (PST)


His response was probably some kind of knee-jerk reaction or something. Hopefully he will cool out over time. Ultimately, you will do what you need to do. Jerry respects you as a person and as a mom, so I have every confidence he will work through this with you! It isn't like you announced you were moving to Alaska this weekend or something!!--Amber the Great
Tuesday June 26, 2007 - 09:13am (PST)

Actually, Jerry 's response makes me mad. When I hear stuff like this, it makes me thankful that I don't have to worry about decision-making with someone else when it comes to Chloe. It's all ME, both a scary and wonderful prospect. If I wanted to move to Botswana tomorrow, I could. That is a bright side to solo parenting...one of many. I just wish you didn't have to deal with anyone who holds you back from achieving your dreams! --Amber
Tuesday June 26, 2007 - 09:17am (PST)

Well, I think it boils down to this...no matter how certain the future may seem, we cannot predict with 100% certainty what will happen, for me, for you, for our children. We can hope for the best, and try our hardest to get there, but ultimately, it's out of our hands and what actually happens can surprise everyone. Thanks for your comments. Hope you're getting excited for you upcoming trip as well.
Thursday June 28, 2007 - 12:25am (PST)

Oh my--there is just so much here that I don't know where to begin. You know how I feel, (I hope) and that is to do what is best for your heart and your babies. Jerry will adapt as he needs to and I am absolutely sure that you can work something out with him. As for the rest...?
Monday July 2, 2007 - 12:39am (PST)

Happiness, someone, something, noone, the BS? It all sounds SO familiar! I love you!
Monday July 2, 2007 - 12:43am (PST)


Who's your Daddy? Here's Mine. (Sun 24 Jun 07)

It's official. My father is going to move into my apartment (which is cleverly disguised as a house). We're leaving for Chicago on Friday; he'll start moving in either Friday or Saturday. I think he'll be a good roommate; he's quite busy, so he won't be around much, and I get along with him just fine. The most difficult part will probably be the bathroom, as I do have only one of those. The most difficult part in the meantime, however, will be rearranging the house to get most of the stuff out of this room that I am in, the computer/play room. I have a good general idea of how to condense/rearrange, but when you add that into Trip Preparations it gets rather mottled. As a related aside, this will not be the first occurrence of my father coming to stay with me for a short time. It first happened when I was 19, with a young Torrin precisely Mira's age (four and a half years ago) as I was still living with Torrin's dad -- barely. My father's departure was very closely followed by that of Torrin's dad, after which so began the Mason Saga.

Just Got the Crap Scared Outta Me.

You know you're up too late when you hear the newspaper getting chucked onto your porch. Sadly (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it) I am up very late and totally sober, not accomplishing anything of purpose or urgency, and duh! I do have places to go tomorrow.Good news? Chicago trip is coming up verrrrry quickly. We'll leave as early on Friday morning as we can possibly manage. In the meantime, I suppose I'm going to continue moping about while trying very hard to appear as if I am not, in fact, moping about; but rather, that I am clearly preoccupied, with many important things on my mind which do not concern myself. Appearances can certainly be deceiving.

Sunday June 24, 2007 - 01:35am (PST)

Oh boy can they ever!
Monday July 2, 2007 - 12:31am (PST)


May I Help You? (Wed 20 Jun 07)

Question of the Month:Why the Heck is Mason Coming to Chicago With Us?
Exhibit A. Mason says he is "ready to see other girls."

Exhibit B. Mason tends to be rather time-limited in the amount of time he can spend with Mira; that is, he gets frustrated easily by normal baby/toddler/kid things.

Exhibit C. Mason's mood of late leaves much to be desired.

Exhibit D. We're meeting up with a bunch of moms who are my friends. And their kids. Can we say chaos?

Exhibit E. Five whole days, pretty much 24/7?

I just do not understand what his motivation is for coming with us. I mean, it worked out well. I've been planning to go to Chicago for a few months now, and when talking to Mason discovered that he was planning to take a weeks' worth of vacation around the same time. But things were ever-so-slightly better between the two of us at that point. I'm worried that things will either a) turn out poorly, with catastrophic arguments; or b) turn out even worse than that.

Wednesday June 20, 2007 - 11:18pm (PST)


Terribly jealous that you get to go to Chicago. I say leave the goober home. Otherwise I hope to cod he's got enough money for his own hotel room where you threaten to murder him or kick him out. Sounds as though his coming could be...painful. I hope it's not!--M
Friday June 22, 2007 - 07:26am (PST)

I have absolutely ZERO Mason willpower. If the chance to spend time with Mason comes up...I always agree unless it is a major inconvenience. It's quite stupid, really, and by "it," I do mean "me."
Monday June 25, 2007 - 08:19am (PST)


Daily Dose of Random Cuteness

Conversation with Torrin (he's 6) as we came home this evening from the YMCA:

TEA: Do birds pee?
me: Um, I don't know. Good question.
TEA: Yeah, 'cuz we usually just see their poop.
me: And, you know, cats pee...
TEA: Dogs pee,
me: Yeah, and...
TEA: Yanksters pee.
me: Yanksters? You mean hamsters?
TEA: Yeah.

And little miss Mira, who is 20 months old but not really chatty yet, with only a good handful of reliable words, was quite the mimic today. First in the car, I was trying to teach Torrin a phrase in Spanish. I was having him repeat after me, when I heard baby Mira's little voice chirping too, repeating "todos" and "amigos" quite clearly. Then at home, it was "sticker" (dicka) and "love you" (lub yew), and "big girl" (bick gow) several times over. Melts my heart!

Monday June 18, 2007 - 10:56pm (PST)

Yanksters! That's adorable.--julie
Monday June 18, 2007 - 11:13pm (PST)

I adore your kidfolk. But you knew that. And that pic of them? kills me! GAH!--M
Friday June 22, 2007 - 07:27am (PST)

I suck.

I basically just accepted a job. Working here, where I am an AmeriCorps member. Part-time, for a variety of financial reasons. The welfare gap, if you will, except that I don't technically receive "welfare" since I don't get cash assistance or TANF (Temporary Assistance for Needy Families). So...until I get my sh*t together, I guess I'm staying here. I've been talking about moving away. I still want to. I'm looking into a couple of possibilities. If it happens, it'll be after the school year ends next year. Torrin'll be done with first grade on May 30, 2008.

Monday June 18, 2007 - 11:15am (PST)

Dude! Did you take the Indian Center Jobbie or are u doing sumthin else for AmeriCorps? I hadn´t realized how long it´d been since I chkd out yr blog. I think I was on your other page a couple of times, but not this one. Sorry! Thanks for myspacing about it.Random note--did you know that Webster´s dictionary has added Myspace and Facebook as VERBS? Yeah, so that sentence above is totally gramatically correct!--Edie
Monday June 18, 2007 - 05:50pm (PST)

Author: anonymous

A job at the Indian Center, but not exactly the same one I may have mentioned recently. This one should be slightly better than the other one, and more importantly, is part-time. I just can't afford to lose my subsidized rent or childcare. Unfortunately I CAN'T do another year of regular AmeriCorps-it's not allowed, and I don't want to do VISTA because you can't have any other jobs or take classes during your full year. Thanks for stopping by!
Monday June 18, 2007 - 09:14pm (PST)

Author: toiledelanuit

Hmmm....I guess I didn't realize you took the job for sure. You've really committed yourself to the work there, it is defintiely an asset to then that you are staying.--Amber
Saturday June 30, 2007 - 08:35pm (PST)


Zion Shout-out

Last weekend, my church burned down. Okay, it's not "my" church. I haven't gone there in years, not since before Torrin came into existence anyway. But it's the only church community I've ever been a part of, and only the second church building (when I started going it was Covenant Presbyterian, before the merger, and we hadn't moved to 9th and "D" yet). I didn't grow up in a church-going family, and was baptized at the ripe old age of 13. Noone "made" me go. Maybe that's why it means so much to me. So many names and faces among that congregation are familiar. I know a lot of them don't know, care for, or remember me. But they have a special place in my heart, and now the building lies in our memories. The above photo came from Zion's Flickr photo pool, accessible from their revamped site at http://www.zionpca.com/

Friday June 15, 2007 - 09:19am (PST)

Crazy pic! It looks like the apocalypse!--Edie
Monday June 18, 2007 - 05:47pm (PST)

Hi, Edie!

Playing with food is FUN! The scary thing is that she eats her cold, milky chunks of food, half an hour later, after she has sufficiently stirred her Milk-and-Whatever-Mom-Made Stew. Gross!
Thursday February 15, 2007 - 09:56pm (PST)
Hi mush dinner girl! Must be ok if the cat´s interested, 2!And the code I just had to enter to post this comment was, no shit, WHug--aww! The computer knows I miss u!--Edie
Monday June 18, 2007 - 05:51pm (PST)


Definitely want to run away.

I spent all of last week (the workweek, anyway) away from my children, and more importantly, away from here. It was fabulous. Not only was it fabulous to be somewhere new, it was also fabulous to be treated like a human being by a person of the opposite gender, for hours on end. More surprisingly, I was treated like a human and no advances were made. Honestly, I was waiting to get hit on. I hope this doesn't sound egotistical, but that's what usually happens. That has less to do with me than it does the overwhelming scuminess of the unattached, available population of single men. Even more honestly? This was nearly a disappointment. I am totally against temporary fixes, I don't believe in "friends with benefits" or anything like that, but it's been so long since I had something as simple as a nice long hug from a guy, that it would've been nice. But as long as I'm here, in this place, I'm going to Wish, Hope, and Pray for a guy whose record so far consists of, among other not-so-good things, spitting in my face, pushing me to the ground as I held our child, calling me every unmentionable word in the English language, and general mistrust and disrespect.


I am a bitter old woman.

Mason, my daughter's dad, is buying a house. Yes, I'm jealous. Mason has never even had his own apartment. The only places he's lived besides his parents' homes and two fraternities is my old apartment...oh wait, he never lived with me, he just happened to stay the night...200 nights in a row. All he has is a dog. I have two kids, and I can guarantee you that I have worked far harder in my life than he ever has. He's going to be away all week on business, and I must say that I hope he never comes back. He's as noxious as a weed, and the shitty dynamic currently between the two of us is likely to sap me of all remaining happiness. His mood of late is more than depressing...he's the sort to go so far as to making jokes about not living much longer. His eyes are often red, as if he's on the verge of tears. And he treats me like absolute shit. I wish I didn't care, I really do. Things would be so much easier that way, but there's nothing I can do to help him, and he doesn't want anything from me anyway.
NOTE: The picture above was taken in Minneapolis on Friday afternoon, following a particularly nasty text message exchange between the two of us.

Sunday June 10, 2007 - 07:56pm (PST)

Oh, Cinda....I wish you didn't have to deal with this stuff. I have been particularly upset lately about things, too. It sucks. Bad.--Amber
Tuesday June 12, 2007 - 09:06am (PST)

i don't know mason, but dude sounds like a prick and u could do like ten times better. --bear
Tuesday June 19, 2007 - 03:23pm (PST)

The thing though, is that I generally feel like he is my best shot. As if I have some sort of duty to him, like I owe him and he owes me. Does that make sense? No, of course not. I'm just lame like that.
Monday June 25, 2007 - 08:22am (PST)


Been in Minneapolis since 11AM yesterday...no, that was not planned

It started in DC, with toilets that weren't flushing. The toilets on the airplane were not functioning properly, so we had to wait for someone to come fix them...hence, I missed my connecting flight in Mpls by a mere two minutes. After a five hour wait, I returned to the new gate to find that 14 flights in the area had been cancelled and I was informed that I would not be able to come home until 9:25 tonight.


But on a happier note here is a link to a few of my DC pics:


DC, Baby (Mon 04 Jun 2007)

I am here. In Washington DC. With. No. Kids! How weird is that! I can go to bed whenever I want, and no kids are going to wake me up with their screaming, there are no dishes waiting to be washed and I don't have to scoop the kitties' litter box. I head back to reality on Thursday morning.

And on another note, as a second chapter to the bumper stickers saga, I saw these three on a car this past weekend:

Nebraskans For Peace

Kill Your Television

Who Would Jesus Bomb?

In my opinion...that's much better. :)

Monday June 4, 2007 - 10:18pm (PST)

WOOO! Pretty girl all alone without kidfolk? WEEEEEE! ENJOY!
Additionally...THOSE bumper stickers funnier than the first. People are seriously missing brain cells.--M
Thursday June 7, 2007 - 09:36am (PST)


W is for War

I saw a car this afternoon, a very nice little Toyota sports car, with three bumper stickers.

Bumper sticker no. 1: W '04
Bumper sticker no. 2: Nebraskans for War
Bumper sticker no. 3: PEACE: It's What's For Dinner

Okay, I made the last one up. There was a third, and it did begin with PEACE in big letters, but I couldn't read the type and I was, you know, driving. Anyway, I found this combination of bumper stickers on a Toyota sports car to be alarming.

Friday June 1, 2007 - 07:20pm (PST)

Horrifying and amusing all at once. What a combo. Sidenote...I'm such a hag if I see someone with a sticker that supports ol George I won't let them over. Evil evil me.--M
Friday June 1, 2007 - 08:01pm (PST)