What happened to my brain?

I got all excited last week, thinking that I wouldn't see TCO at the YMCA anymore. Monday, finding the Y TCO-less, I got a bit excited, thinking that maybe he rearranged his schedule or something. About 20 minutes into my elliptical session reality first went driving by in Viktor Krum's car, then walking by my window, then onto a treadmill in front of me. Yeah so my routine lately? Is 25 minutes on the elliptical followed by 10 on the treadmill. Of course, when I was done on the elliptical machine, there were three treadmills open. Three out of oh, twelve or so? All three open machines adjacent to TCO. My bravery faltered, and I went upstairs to do my weight circuit before looking again for available treadmills.

Maybe my relationship with TCO was doomed by my refusal to accept it is a real possibility. I kept waiting for something to go wrong instead of trying to make things right.

I'm beginning to wonder also what I'm doing with a boyfriend. I am way too busy for a boyfriend. I don't have time for myself, let alone all of this that I've gotten myself into. Sometimes my perpetual hopefulness really gets the best of me. I've always wanted a nice L-H I. M., yet this year I've lost one and blew my chance off with another. What do I get instead? A very, very, very sweet PGG. Sounds simple enough, no big deal, if it doesn't work out, better luck next time, right? No. I already have two children originating from two separate dads. If I were to have a third child, it'd be with a third different person? How rotten is that? There's no going back from that. So where it should seem simple, it's not at all. It's like...if this doesn't work out, I just give up. I'm done. No more.

May this relationship not be doomed as well, by my fear of everything being over.


Portrait by PGG

13 April 2008

Passing the Torch

Or, good news for Flamenco Dancer.
PGG saw TCO on Tuesday afternoon, riding his bike down 11th Street. PGG reports that they made eye contact and TCO gave him a smile-nod acknowledgment.

About a month ago, seemingly out of nowhere, TCO had dropped off my friend Flamenco's car at my house. I didn't know it had been done until late that night (whatever night it was). My friend Flamenco, the one in Spain, has had this little Ford Festiva that she tools around in when she's back in the States. And during the academic school year, while she's been in Spain, has lent it to friends who needed a vehicle. Last summer when she left, she had gotten to know TCO and since he didn't have a car she offered it to him. Signed the title over and whatnot. Well, anyhow, it was brought back to my house just before I left for Spain myself. PGG tried to start it after I'd returned with no luck. The jumper cables left in the car were damaged somehow. I've been so ungodly busy with everything else that I haven't really worried about it. I don't own jumper cables of my own.

So, Tuesday evening, PGG's mother and brothers came to Lincoln. While waiting for me to get my act together and get my kids fed so that we could all go bowling, they got the Festiva going. And go it did--the four of them took it for a ride. Where they went I do not know, but it was driven out to Champions Fun Center, where we went bowling, a good enough drive away, also. It did start all by itself to go to and return from Champions.

Now, to address the painfully balding back tires and titling/insurance/plates issue...they expire this month. TCO doesn't want me to speak to him, apparently, so I hope I do not need him to sign any additional paperwork. But it is only fitting that TCO was the last person to drive the Festiva, saw PGG Tuesday afternoon, and then PGG to be the next person to make it go later the same day.


more cryptic quotes

Today PGG and I went out for lunch. I've had a super busy week at work and the break was much welcomed. After a lovely meal of samosa, mulligatawny soup, and lamb biryani at The Oven we went to Ivanna Cone, where one of the day's flavors was lemon poppyseed.

How could we possibly resist?


mucho frio

mucho frio uno:
We haven't had hot water since Thursday. I called for someone to come check it out on Friday--nothing. Called again Saturday, a bit more pissed off, and was rewarded 12 hours later by being informed that our downstairs neighbors haven't ever paid their gas bill, were shut off, and oops, your hot water heater is the same as theirs.

Two years, nearly, we've been living here, and we never knew. We have our own natural gas bill for heat. I wondered why it didn't go up when my dad was staying here, with his added showers and laundering, but didn't question it too much.

I want my hot water back!!! They said maybe today...well...I finally conceded defeat and washed a load of "warm" laundry. The water was definitely not warm. Sigh! Tomorrow please! Charge me $100 of the neighbor's bill if it'll expedite the process!

mucho frio dos:
I received a text message from TCO Saturday night. I had initiated the conversation, because I was bored in a bar. He asked, "why [I] may have been seen parked outside my house or am i mistaken?" Greeeeat. "Been seen" would seemingly imply that he personally did not witness the accused infraction. So who thinks I've been staking out his house? Viktor Krum, his bro/roomie, AKA, one of my supervisors at work? Simply superb! I wrote back something to the effect of "F*(k no!" and asked if that was why he acts weird when I chance upon him. "That may be part of it" was the less-than-succinct reply.

So...fast forward to today. I was unsatisfied with how things left off. I will admit to having driven by their house a few too many times in the beginning...their house is on a main street, not out of the way from many places. But there's a difference, I think, between driving by a house on an artierial road in my own neighborhood and parking by it on spy watch. Come on. I don't want him thinking I'm pulling that kinda crap. So, I attempted to extend an olive branch, if you will, via Facebook messaging:

Today at 12:08pm
I think it's retarded if we can't even be civil and say hello to each other. I'm not watching your house or anything weird like that. I do "miss" you, but I'm not trying to get you back or whatever. I am very happy where I am, and would just like to be able to talk to you sometimes. That is all. Nothing more.

Today at 2:20pm
I just don't understand why if you're so happy then why would you want to talk to me?

Today at 3:06pm
i don't have anything in particular i want to talk to you about. i just mean in general. you know, "hello, how are you." nothing deep. it seems childish to never speak to someone again. i don't need you for anything, but you were important to me for awhile there, and it's nice to keep in touch.

Today at 5:51pm
I'm trying to do this in a nice way so you don't get upset but it seems you haven't been respectful to me. I just would like to be left alone. I would like it if you could respect me enough to do that. I'm tired of this so this is that last time I'm going to tell you.

Thus, I conclude, that is that. I'm curious as to what he thinks I've been disrespectful. I'd like to ask, but clearly, he is not interested in continuing conversation. Congratulations, Voldemort, you were right, he didn't really care that much. But dammit, he got me unhooked from you, and for that I am eternally grateful. PGG has sealed that fate. I am now completely done with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. I'm guessing that the disrespect loops back to a perceived Sirius Black link while we were still together. That's exactly what was so crazy about the stuff Sirius Black said then--it was based solely in the land of text messaging. We hadn't seen each other. Nada. I'd had no idea that that old acquaintance/friendship would turn that direction. Voldemort, too, recently brought Sirius up, spouting off at me that just a couple months ago I was "fooling around with one guy while dating another," based on his assumption of my life gathered from this blog. That's not true, not at all. I loved The Boy Who Lived, and wouldn't do that to him. I didn't want to hurt him. He's a beautiful person, with a wonderful family and great potential for a vibrant future, and it seems a shame to lose everything, even superficial contact. I didn't mean to do it, but I did, I loved him, and I do. It doesn't just go away. But it just got squelched a bit more this evening.


Just a lil FYI

The PGG poppyseed is not up for discussion here, at this point. That will come at a later date.


It WAS the last straw.

Voldemort was supposed to take Mira overnight Saturday. He declined, asked for her in the morning Sunday instead. Probably to prevent me from having "fun." Whatever. So, I open the door, hand Mira immediately to him, and he proceeds to let himself inside. He doesn't come inside except to start trouble. "We need to talk," he says. He wanted to know why I'd left Mira (together with Torrin) with "a piece of trash" like Torrin's dad. "Do you have any extra money for me?" he asked. "Because you sure seem to have a lot of money." He walked further into my house with a scrutinizing eye. I said as little as possible, asked him if he was taking Mira and if so, to please leave. Or, rather, "Get out of my house!" when he had me backed into a corner of the living room. He wasn't leaving. I grabbed my phone, was dialing the police department (what else was I supposed to do?). He grabbed it, threatened to break it. He didn't, but the screen is cracked. He slapped me, just a light, quick thing, honestly, I smack Mira's hand away from stuff harder than that...but...no... I called my grandma, crying, when PGG didn't answer his phone.

I was ready file for a protection order, increase child support, and a formal custody order. I was set to go, Monday, 8am.

Well, it's Wednesday, and I haven't done a damn thing. Why is that?

This is a series of texts received from He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named on Sunday afternoon, following his visit with Mira.

I know i need to let you live without saying you do bad things. But you know me and how much i care about doing things"best" and "right."

But its like a sickness. Nothing is good enough.Im never happy. With you. With me. With anything.

:( if i could control it, we would all be happier. but i cant. There is no hope.

Im so jealous of you because you are so happy and are really living your life.

Do whatever you want. You always do. I dont have any hope Or answers. Ill let you lead. I hate to admit it but i love and trust and envy you. YOU know best.

These were followed by a telephone call in which Mason talked about how he wished he could just commit suicide, that he doesn't think there is any hope for him, that he is not able to be happy, etc. This is nothing new, but I still don't know what to do with him. I told him that I can't help him. Because I can't. I hate to admit it too, but I still love him too. It's different, now, though. I have no hope for us, I've let go of that. I don't think there is any single person who knows the entire, full story of us. But there are many who know an awful lot. I can't entirely explain why I haven't done anything concrete about him, but I'm ready. Now I just need that kick to get me into action.